Unconditional 

Days like today remind me of why having unconditional friends are such a necessity in life. I felt a bit self conscious as I walked as inconspicuously as possible today but my limp was still clearly visible. People stared and I had a few comments tossed my way. Initially, I wanted to turn back home and curl up in bed. Instead, I acted confident and finally made it to my destination. And that was the best decision I could have made. My friends were there and they made me laugh and realize how silly it was to be so concerned about my walk of late. My roommate, who has been become such a rock in my life, has also helped me keep my focus. Her encouragement and understanding has been much needed. Being around all of these people always makes me feel incredibly lucky. The point of this is to not focus on how defective I have been feeling, but instead, the focus is on people who really can make a difference in your life. Always remember to surround yourself with people who make you laugh, smile, understand, and truly care. People who accept you. People who accept all that is good about you and will also accept all of your flaws. Nothing less than that is worth your time. True friendships are hard to come by so once you have them, don’t let them go. Don’t let them disappear into the abyss of time. Don’t fail them. You will always need them. And they will always need you.   

 

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The Realness of a Dream

I had a dream the other night
You were in it
It seemed so real
It felt so real
You seemed so real
In my dream I knew this couldn’t be true
No matter how much I wanted it to be
No matter how much I wished for it to be
But I knew I was dreaming
That my imagination had taken over
Because you don’t ever talk to me or respond to me
You don’t acknowledge my existence
I am nothing to you now
That is how I knew
I knew that even though everything was how it once was
It was false and imagined
I knew it had to actually be a fairy tale of sorts
My fairy tale
I knew this wonderful dream would end
And that I would have to wake up
But I didn’t want it to end
I didn’t want to be awakened from such a slumber
I didn’t want to come back to reality
Because you were in my dream
And it all seemed so real
So perfect
And exactly how my world was supposed to be
But it was only a dream
And you, well you were in it
And now once again my to tortured heart feels scarred
All because you were in my dreams

Foolish Beliefs 

I watched as he slowly began the descent into desperation. As though creating a life of hell for himself would be what he needed to make it work with her. He took on the burden to make her happy, truly believing it would make him happy. He truly believed he was making the right decision. And I wished him the best. Though I knew he was destroying who he was, he was not mine to help. I could not show him that life held more than what he was allowing himself. It made my heart ache to witness the toll his life choices were taking on him. The effects were obviously negative. Yet he put on a mask, making it seem to those less observant around him that he was just fine. He painted such a lovely picture to anyone who would listen. But I saw through it all. He deserved better a life better than this. But he didn’t understand that. Nor would he ever understand. He had been so wore down with disappointments in life that he just simply could not imagine anything better. He had convinced himself he had to make it work.  And it broke my heart to see him reach that level. He was so blinded and distracted by what he was used to; he didn’t see me right there in front of him. I wanted to show him, make him understand, that there was someone out there who was unconditional. That I wouldn’t add to his pain and anxiety. That I would be who he needed. I was already trying so hard to be the person he needed at this time. But it was becoming harder and harder everyday. I just wanted him. But he didn’t want me. He couldn’t. He was too far gone. My heart became hard and bitter to cover the pain I felt. There was to be no love story here. Just a story wrapped in pain and sorrow. 

My Fragility 

Love made me foolish. 

Love made me kind.

Love made the world full,  yet empty.

Love made me bitter.

Love made me open my eyes.

And love, well, it made me broken.

Perhaps there was something else out there to fill this void.

Or just perhaps, the right one had yet to be found.

The one that could make me feel alive.

The one that could make me feel not alone in this world. 

But it seemed to be just a dream.

A far off dream that carried the sting of hope.

There had just been too much pain.

Life had only given me the bitter taste of sorrow and disappointment.

It would seem that love was not for me 

For the only love I have ever had was not returned. 

An unrequited love, how it made my soul burn.

 No longer could I take the pain. 

So I tried to move on.

 I started to give my heart to someone else.

But my heart was still not fully mine to give.

For it still belonged to another.

To the one who had stolen it completely long ago.

Closure seemed impossible.

How could I let him go? 

I want to let him go.

I want to be able to breathe again.

But love made me foolish.

Love made me kind.

Love made the world full, yet empty.

Love made me bitter.

Love made me open my eyes.  

And love, well, it made me broken. 

Broken inside.

Another excerpt 

Here is another little excerpt from a project…Feel free to leave feedback! 

He has eyes that will captures her heart instantly. His gaze makes her feel like there will never be another who can make her feel so alive. His smile makes her heart beat in nervous anticipation. When she thinks of that beautiful mouth, she instantly bites her lip, wishing he was there in front of her. He’s unlike anyone she has ever met and he has stolen her heart. But no matter how much she wants him, no matter how much her soul craves to be around him, he can never be hers. Nothing she can do or say will change that. Her love must go on unrequited. Nothing can quite compare to the emptiness that unrequited love brings. There is always the betrayal of hope that lingers, luring her to believe that just maybe, maybe he will come back to her. But it’s a false hope. Her heart is broken and she can’t move on. She is forever stuck in a world that is dark. There is no light. She will linger there, and torture herself slowly by her memories.”

Character

Here is a little character excerpt I have written and plan to use in a project 🙂 
She is a confident girl who tries to always be strong. There are some cracks in her exterior which cause her to crumble at times, but she manages to pick her self back up. Her big blue-green eyes are kind and curious. Her eyes are always imploring when she is talking to someone. People always notice her smile because it is always there. Her short blonde hair is constantly trying to become a little freer than what she allows. She is of average height but she tends to carry herself tall and proud. Her constant positivity tends to draw people in, though there are those who don’t fully understand it. She wants to always be remembered as positive, kind, and gracious. She wants to love fully and be loved in return. One day, she hopes to find that love. She hopes she will find the love that won’t try to diminish her free spirit, but instead encourages her to fly. 

Scarred Hearts

I recently was able to capture a stunning photo of a couple who were getting their engagement pictures taken. Their obvious love and partnership inspired this post. 

There are many journeys we take in life and there are several paths we take on each of these journeys. Falling in love is a particular experience in life that is both wonderful and painful. It is exciting and terrifying. The steps you take to get there may not always be the most conventional or easy. You are opening yourself up in the most vulnerable manner to another person, hoping with all of your heart, your feelings are not going to go unrequited. You are allowing another person to truly have a glimpse into your soul. You have let them see who you truly are on this lead up to love, both the beautiful and imperfect parts of you. And if you are lucky enough, they will in turn, let you become intertwined with their heart. From then on, a partnership is formed. Dreams are dreamt together, plans are made together, and your future seems a little brighter with someone by your side to share it with. In an ideal world, finding that person who is your counterpart in life, would be easy. But more oftentimes than not, we fall in love and find that while you may truly love the person you are with, they are not the person you were truly waiting for. They not are the person who sharpens you, who makes you be the best version of yourself, and who quite simply, isn’t the person you are to spend a lifetime with. And as much as it hurts, as much as the pain of letting go crushes you, it must be done. Yes, some people do find that lasting love quickly and are happy forever, but there are those people whose hearts may be broken time and time again. Whether they caused the break, or it was the other person that broke it,  you are left with a heart that is scarred. But when you finally meet that one person, who completely changes your world, who takes your heart with all of its scars and makes you feel as though you have been set free, you finally understand. You finally understand that all of the pain and uncertainty led to this. You finally understand that all of the others helped to guide you here. All of the brokenness, the disappointment, and the feeling of being lost led you here. It all led you to that person who, although may not be perfect, and may have their own scarred heart to give, is the person you had been waiting for when you began the journey of falling in love. What a beautiful feeling that must be.